sundays in austin, texas

1. mindless trips filled with
   the anxieties of not
   finding my way home
   
2. on the day of rest
   sounds of sirens and church bells
   ring inside my head
   
3. killing off brain cells
   through the mouth and up the nose,
   but i can't forget

happy earth day

aren't we made of earth's dirt?
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
where we come from is where we return
but for today, paint me colors
with the dirt underneath your fingernails
paint and sketch and coat me
with the yesterday's blues and tomorrow's greens
leaving trails circling and
revolving around the circumference of my throat
down to the tips of my cold toes

"please remember to recycle" 
but without thinking we already do
salvaging what's left of the dirty air
to inhale, exhale
inhale, exhale
without thinking we already do

but what if i'm a hoarder,
a bored lover, a happy smolder
what if i want it for myself
to hold it in
hold the world inside my mouth
keep the world safe for just you
until i turn colors green and blue

sprinklers

why do we like to spread water where grass did not intend to grow?
where maybe dirt was supposed to stay dirt
instead of planting seeds, preparing to reap and sow.

why do we like to love people who answer us no?
when the stars aren’t aligned and the chemistry is there,
but the timing is all wrong.

where dirt was dirt until somebody wanted more,
now there is a puddle of mud on the floor.

remember when we found a stray cat
     and called it dog?

remember when we stayed together
     and called it love?

update

there is no silence here. the noise of transportation is everywhere. next to the highway and under the planes. surrounded by the sounds of destination, tempted by these man made machines to run away when i can't use my God given feet. the world is moving - arriving and leaving. i'm sitting in a lawn chair on a second floor balcony absorbing. can barely focus on the present long enough to listen and understand. just searching for silence that isn't here. all i can hear is movement and all i feel is paralyzed.

how to get lost

1. write out your stream of consciousness, your every thought. explicitly and unedited with every little detail. don't scratch anything out, don't think twice. read it, reread it, read it out loud and feel embarrassed or ashamed. resist the urge to tear it up and forget it ever happened. save it for another day. hide it where no one else can find it because that's the part of you no one deserves to see.
2. take off all of your clothes and stand in front of a mirror. become aware of every detail, every mole, freckle, birthmark. trace every curve and crevice. pinch and poke and drag your fingers along while you follow the trail of sensations. look at yourself again. notice the little flaws. the crooked part of your smile, the unevenness of your skin, the way your face is not perfectly symmetrical. look in the mirror and see what you don't want to see. embrace yourself.
3. turn off every electronic device, every distraction from the world or connection to the world. lay in bed. wrap yourself up in blankets. focus on your breathing. don't think about anything else. you can almost do it. clear your mind. but the monsters always find a way. lean on them. don't fight the nightmares. find comfort in it, somehow, because what other way is there.
4. go for a run and watch the world changing in front of you. look at the sky. are there any clouds? are there any stars? feel the impact of the ground hitting your feet. feel your weight, your every pound and gravity pushing you down. feel your lightness when the breeze hits and you think you're going to wither away. why are you running? what are you running from? don't look back.
5. fall in love with the wrong person and follow them. then what.
6. get in your car and fill up your tank and find a highway and drive. put on some music and sing the wrong lyrics and sing them loud. turn off the music and listen to all the people in the world trying to be somewhere else.
7. pack up everything in a suitcase. everything is subjective. leave behind anything you don't want in this new life. walk around in circles. think about leaving think about starting over think about a clean slate. then stop and look at where you are and unpack your things and put them back where they belong.

♡

my heart rate was as as fast as a heart attack. is that how you explain it? something like that. it could have been serious. i don't know.
i wonder what is going on in there. should i be worried? i get pains from hearing your name and my heart races when i hear your voice so fast i can't tell if it's because i'm nervous or angry i don't know anymore. i only know that every ache and pain i associate with you. i get stomach aches and head aches and eye sores and i think of you.

i remember when 
i used to listen to your pulse with 
my ear on your chest or my finger on your wrist. 
i only thought i did this to you, but i guess 
i wouldn't know. did you used to check if i was real? then 
i would feel my pulse to see if we were in sync. but 
i could never tell.

i remember testing to see if 
i could make your heart race. if it sped up when 
i said 'i love you' 
or something, but 
i could never tell.
i wonder what is going on in there. how broken are we, really?