how to get lost

1. write out your stream of consciousness, your every thought. explicitly and unedited with every little detail. don't scratch anything out, don't think twice. read it, reread it, read it out loud and feel embarrassed or ashamed. resist the urge to tear it up and forget it ever happened. save it for another day. hide it where no one else can find it because that's the part of you no one deserves to see.
2. take off all of your clothes and stand in front of a mirror. become aware of every detail, every mole, freckle, birthmark. trace every curve and crevice. pinch and poke and drag your fingers along while you follow the trail of sensations. look at yourself again. notice the little flaws. the crooked part of your smile, the unevenness of your skin, the way your face is not perfectly symmetrical. look in the mirror and see what you don't want to see. embrace yourself.
3. turn off every electronic device, every distraction from the world or connection to the world. lay in bed. wrap yourself up in blankets. focus on your breathing. don't think about anything else. you can almost do it. clear your mind. but the monsters always find a way. lean on them. don't fight the nightmares. find comfort in it, somehow, because what other way is there.
4. go for a run and watch the world changing in front of you. look at the sky. are there any clouds? are there any stars? feel the impact of the ground hitting your feet. feel your weight, your every pound and gravity pushing you down. feel your lightness when the breeze hits and you think you're going to wither away. why are you running? what are you running from? don't look back.
5. fall in love with the wrong person and follow them. then what.
6. get in your car and fill up your tank and find a highway and drive. put on some music and sing the wrong lyrics and sing them loud. turn off the music and listen to all the people in the world trying to be somewhere else.
7. pack up everything in a suitcase. everything is subjective. leave behind anything you don't want in this new life. walk around in circles. think about leaving think about starting over think about a clean slate. then stop and look at where you are and unpack your things and put them back where they belong.

♡

my heart rate was as as fast as a heart attack. is that how you explain it? something like that. it could have been serious. i don't know.
i wonder what is going on in there. should i be worried? i get pains from hearing your name and my heart races when i hear your voice so fast i can't tell if it's because i'm nervous or angry i don't know anymore. i only know that every ache and pain i associate with you. i get stomach aches and head aches and eye sores and i think of you.

i remember when 
i used to listen to your pulse with 
my ear on your chest or my finger on your wrist. 
i only thought i did this to you, but i guess 
i wouldn't know. did you used to check if i was real? then 
i would feel my pulse to see if we were in sync. but 
i could never tell.

i remember testing to see if 
i could make your heart race. if it sped up when 
i said 'i love you' 
or something, but 
i could never tell.
i wonder what is going on in there. how broken are we, really?

scars and stories

little scars and holes to show off
look at where i hurt
i let a stranger poke a needle through my skin
and now i have this piece of jewelry
look at where i bled
where blood came out and ink went in
and now i have an infinity tribal symbol on my wrist

socially acceptable pain
as opposed to crying in public
or screaming at the dentist's office
or wanting to give up and jump

look at these scars, aren't they pretty?
each one has a deeper meaning
ask me about it
or has a story
tell me about it
or something

i went through all that pain and
had nothing to show for it
let me write out my scars and tell my stories

i understand

dreams of drowning
but not necessarily in water
trapped in rooms that look familiar
but not completely recognizable
locked doorknobs with missing locks
and my name being called from the other side
fumbling, trembling, struggling to get out
repeating mundane tasks
to the point 
to the point
to the point
to the point
of insanity
"what's the point of everything?"
dreams of you hurting people
people i don't know
people i knew before
while i watch, i step back, i say,
"it's okay. i understand."